


Like Chips of Glittering Mica

by deadcellredux



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Crack, Fangirl Attack, Gen, Office Hilarity, Other, email
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-05
Updated: 2011-11-05
Packaged: 2017-10-25 17:33:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/272945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadcellredux/pseuds/deadcellredux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tseng has a cyber-stalker. The Turks discuss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like Chips of Glittering Mica

**At 11:53 AM MST Tseng (dar_tseng@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> Reno, Rude, Elena:
> 
> Considering the cancellation of this afternoon’s Strategic Allocation meeting on account of certain other executives’ unavailability, I thought perhaps we might discuss something a bit different.
> 
> I received a curious email from a certain “xXxL3ViAtHaNxXx” who seems to have found a way to infiltrate Shinra’s incoming message filters.
> 
> Are any of you familiar with the bearer of this pseudonym, by any chance?
> 
> Please keep in mind that pranks such as this are subject to disciplinary action.
> 
> Just saying.
> 
> In any case, apparently “xXxL3ViAtHaNxXx” is a young woman in Midgar who seems to be somewhat of a stalker. She’s especially transfixed by my hair, which she likened to a "waterfall of obsidian". She also mentioned that "I want to lick that mark on your head”.
> 
> I’m not sure how to respond to this misguided young lady.
> 
> By the way Reno, she mentioned you as well—apparently she’s seen me accompanied by “a luscious redhead”. I’m assuming that would be you.

 **At 12:02 PM MST Reno (dar__reno@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> Hey you should give me her email address. My LUXURIOUS CRIMSON MANE will surely lure her affections.

 **At 12:04 PM MST Rude (dar_rude@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> It's not luxurious.

 **At 12:07 PM MST Reno (dar__reno@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> Oh please. I don’t see this girl mentioning a Hot Bald Turk, did you?
> 
> So Tseng, is she 18? Though I’m sure you wouldn’t care much if she were YOUNGER than 18, would you? I mean, considering how YOU roll. You know, chasing your emerald-eyed teen churchmistress of the slums. Lmaoooo

 **At 12:12 PM MST Tseng (dar_tseng@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> I am not amused.

 **At 12:13 PM MST Rude (dar_rude@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> Tseng. Did she describe your eyes, too?

 **At 12:15 PM MST Tseng (dar_tseng@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> Glittering chips of mica.
> 
> Might I ask what you and Reno are working on today?

 **At 12:18 PM MST Reno (dar_reno@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> I don’t know. Ask my secretary. I’m playing Cyborg Moogle Attack, and I’ve got the high score. Come on guys, challenge me.

 **At 12:18 PM MST Rude (dar_rude@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> Paperwork.

 **At 12:37 PM MST Tseng (dar_tseng@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> She sent me another message. Seems as if she didn’t take too kindly to my request for her to cease and desist contacting this email address, or the email address of anyone else in the Company, for that matter. Looks like she’s added me to her mailing list—scary stuff, this: “Turk Fangirls” listserv. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this; not only do these girls seem to be underage but they have a terrible command of the English language.
> 
> Look at this—direct quote:
> 
> “HEY ALL!!~ THIS IS THE OFFICIAL MAILING LIST OF THE TURKGURLZ! 4 ALL GURLZ WHO <3 THE SEXY TURKZ LOL”
> 
> …“Turks” is not spelled with a “Z”.
> 
> The descriptions here are even more colorful. We’ve got: “creamy-skinned ginger sextoy”, “bald brown beefcake” and—gee, look, this must be me— ** _Wutaiian Sex God_** (emphasis added by myself).
> 
> How’s that paperwork coming?

 **At 12:48 PM MST Reno (dar_reno@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> OH MY GOD

 **At 12:53 PM MST Rude (dar_rude@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> It’s all so clear to me now, Reno. Your creamy skin… why, it’s as pale as a baby Moogle’s balls.

 **At 12:55 PM MST Reno (dar_reno@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> And you seem to have been handcrafted out of the finest Costa del Solian chocolate.

 **At 12:57 PM MST Rude (dar_rude@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> Heh… I think we’re violating some inter-office email policy on racism.

 **At 12:58 PM MST Tseng (dar_tseng@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> You can take that concern up with HR. I’m too busy being a sex god.

 **At 1:02 PM MST Reno (dar_reno@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> Jerking off to yourself again? Make sure you wipe down the keyboard. Lol. Yo I’m CC’ing Reeve.
> 
> HEY Reeve. Put down your toys!

 **At 1:20 PM MST Reeve (urbandev_reeve@shinraelectic.com) wrote:**

> ……….I don’t even know how to respond to this.

 **At 1:27 PM MST Tseng (dar_tseng@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> My apologies for your awkward introduction via Reno to this conversation. Basically, I've a cyber-stalker. As do the rest of the Turks, for that matter. Except of course for Elena, but the reason for that seems to be quite obvious.
> 
> So, in lieu of the terrible cyber-stalking emails I’ve received from said fangirl, we’re discussing awful ways of… describing people.
> 
> By the way, did you review that expense report I CC’ed you on?

 **At 1:40 PM MST Reeve (urbandev_reeve@shinraelectic.com) wrote:**

> Fangirls are the worst. Trust me, I know. You don’t know how many times I’ve been propositioned to “make cute robot things”. I feel for you, buddy.
> 
> Re: the expense report—yes, I did receive it, and upon review I think that the budget needs a bit of tweaking, specifically into the Science and Urban Dev depts. Not to blatantly advocate for my own department, but I feel that in tandem with the company’s scientific research, the plans for neo-Midgar OR perhaps an extension of the current city design could come to fruition.
> 
> I discussed this with Scarlet already, and she’s fine with a slight percentage of her Weapons allocations being redistributed to the two aforementioned departments.
> 
> In other news—I’ve been in talks with some engineers from Rocket Town. There’s still quite the draw towards the space program; I’m wondering if perhaps we could get the President to possibly re-visit that idea? Surely there’s much to be discovered. My team and I would be delighted to work on such a project.
> 
> Food for thought…
> 
> Reeve

 **At 1:41 PM MST Reno (dar_reno@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 **At 1:42 PM MST Reeve (urbandev_reeve@shinraelectic.com) wrote:**

> SORRY GUYS, DIDN'T MEAN TO REPLY ALL ^__^;

 **At 1:44 PM MST Tseng (dar_tseng@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> Obviously. Your soft, long tresses must have been hanging in your sparkling honey-brown eyes, thus obstructing your vision.

 **At 1:46 PM MST Reeve (urbandev_reeve@shinraelectic.com) wrote:**

> Actually, I’m afraid it was the fault of my feline-ish, velvety-ashen-furred companion.

 **At 1:49 PM MST Reno (dar_reno@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> Oh god that sounds creepy.
> 
> Yo Reeve unblock the fucking porn

 **At 1:51 PM MST Tseng (dar_tseng@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> Well played, Reeve, well played.
> 
> Reno. Seriously?

 **At 1:54 PM MST Rude (dar_rude@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> I wonder how THE BLONDE is doing.

 **At 1:56 PM MST Tseng (dar_tseng@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> See, Rude, such an epithet is faulty considering you could be referencing Rufus OR Elena. Or Scarlet, for that matter. You need to spice it up a bit, my good sir.

 **At 2:00 PM MST Elena (dar_elena@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> Rude is talking about ME, guys. I just stopped by his office and he told me about this conversation. WTF? I don’t understand why I’m not included in this… I mean… why aren’t I included in this little fan club? Who IS this Leviathan bitch anyway? This has to be the most awful email thread I’ve read in a while.
> 
> I feel awfully neglected. You guys get all the love, like, all the time ☹
> 
> P.s. Does that mean that PALMER could be described as having “voluptuous rotundity"?

 **At 2:03 PM MST Reno (dar_reno@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> It’s because you don’t have a dick. Hey, I bet Hojo can help you grow your own!!!! Lol
> 
> AND NEVER SPEAK OF PALMER THAT WAY AGAIN

 **At 2:04 PM MST Rude (dar_rude@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> Mmm, Hojo. The silken-haired scientist.

 **At 2:05 PM MST Elena (dar_elena@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> Ewwww…

 **At 2:07 PM MST Reno (dar_reno@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> I’m going to lunch even though I’ve LOST MY APPETITE.
> 
> Would any of you fine gentleman (or Ms. Dickless, lol) like to join me in the cafeteria?

 **At 2:08 PM MST Elena (dar_elena@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> I hope you get food poisoning.

 **At 2:08 PM MST Rude (dar_rude@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> Meet you in five.

 **At 2:11 PM MST Tseng (dar_tseng@shinraelectric.com) wrote:**

> By the way, I’ve added you all (excluding Reeve) to the “Turk Fangirls” mailing list.
> 
> Consider it punishment for lack of productivity.
> 
> If you require help activating your SPAM filters, please contact the IT department.
> 
> Enjoy your lunch, all ☺

**Author's Note:**

> This fic (if you could really call it a fic) was written in response to [this discussion/challenge](http://greenjudy.livejournal.com/56033.html) on Livejournal.
> 
> Also: [THIS](http://greenjudy.livejournal.com/55364.html?thread=524356#t524356).


End file.
